Vitriolic

Some days it's just how I feel.  I don't know if it's just the hormones, or what, but I just felt "off". It would have been better if no one asked me, "how ya doin'?" Because on days like this I don't hold back.  At my Life Group, I said, "eh!"....and then clarified, "I'm pissy!".  Luckily, I feel that I can trust this group to allow me my honesty.  We then heard one of our members God story.  How refreshing it is to be in a group that allows, even encourages truth.  After having a day of feeling like work is a no win with Corporate, I'm reminded of the God of the Universe.  I'm reminded that God will be with us even when we're trudging up hill and can't see Him.  He just requires us to take one more step, and trust Him.  Not my understanding but His.

 So, I will pack up my tinker toys for the day, and trudge home.  I will be thankful that I have a home to escape to. That I have a husband who will allow me to speak with foul, non-ladylike vocabulary without being shocked or annoyed.  And God still loves me, pissy, and all.  So I will say good day sir.  I SAID GOOD DAY.  

Friday: JUST. ABOUT. TOOK. ME. DOWN.

  One of those days, when your heart is tearing in two with the heartbreak you witness. Calling Dr's who don't answer, texting Dr's who don't answer, facilities who blame you for what you never promised.  Never stopping to eat, cramming snackage in as you drive, missing your fwy exit, and 3 other streets because you're on the phone non-stop (yes, I use my bluetooth, but still....) trying to get the office to fax new orders bc you don't happen to have a portable fax machine in your car ;), making visit schedules for the following week, and being oh so hungry, and needing to pee. 

  At the end of my day, after leaving my last patient all tucked in, I shoved my stuff in the car, took my hair out of its pony, walked 3 ft away, and breathed, staring at the street for oh 5 minutes.  I just let the wind blow my hair into my face, and breathed. I wanted to cry, but didn't have the energy.  I felt used up. But in a good way.  God had been there every step of the way...whispering to me, nudging me, reminding me not to forget what's truly important. So I touched a dying pt, looked her in the eye and reminded her that she is not alone, that her family was there and how loved she was.  Asking her who would be meeting her in heaven, who she would be celebrating with soon.  I reminded her of the blood of Christ that forgives every sin (this was her belief as well), His ABUNDANT love for her, his JOY in her.  She would nod her head in agreement, and I saw her peace.

  There were other patients that day as well, and not one of them was without a challenge.  It was just one of those days, when God is telling me to lean into Him.  Sadly, I often respond in my heart, "yeah, yeah....I got this, just a minute...".  

 

And when it's all over, and I'm taking that breath, staring at a street of cars zooming by, I think, why didn't I lean into Him more?  
And I promise myself I will next time, I will learn, oh me of such stubbornity.  Yes, stubbornity. Because each day, I have to learn all over again to trust Him more and me less.  More of Him, less of me.  Dang it...I will learn.